I’ve been ramping up for this moment for a while.  Scheduled doctors appointments, got patches delivered and Welbutrin on the way.  I had planned for a quit date to be about a week after starting the Welbutrin.  Then I got sick.  Coughing and hacking and lung-achingly sick.  That is also the same thing that got me going the first time.  Truth is, I am tired of getting sick 2 or 3 times a year.  This time though, I thought to myself, the cigs definately ain’t helping whatever is going on in my chest.  I have patches.  Even if I just smoke less it would help.  Slapped a patch on and smoked my last full cigarette of the evening.  Don’t judge. It’s my journey, not yours.  Since doing that I have had 2 sessions wherein I smoked 3 or 4 hits.  The desire is still there to smoke.  The thought in the back of my head that X amount of time has passed and I am craving.  Last time I quit I did a ramp up like this.  Difference is, I had welbutrin when I started.  Come to think of it, I probably still have some left.  But with as old as it is, it may serve more as placebo than anything.

So.  Lets start again.  Why do I want to quit? When you’re feeling sick, health is always a reason.  Long term health advantages are abundant, but short term desperation is what drove this to being a health necessity.  I know I don’t live healthy. I try sometimes but mostly my bad habits win the day.  Redbull, cigs, booze, MJ, Mt. Dew, and sugar, Oh My.  I’m not going to cut all of them out of my life.  Certainly not all at once.  Lets start with booze.  I learned a while back that my alcoholism must take a side seat to illness.  Too many times of being sick and thinking I just want to drown the illness.  It doesn’t quite work that way.  When I was at my worst, I kept drinking until I was bed ridden.  Then finally made the trek to the VA, delirious, exhausted, and desperate.  I’ve come a long way, and I’ve amended some habits, but never have thrown off the shackle.

Technically, this isn’t day one.  I plan to “cheat” when necessary, because I don’t want to go insane.  I’ve been preparing/dodging for the last couple of months.  Today, I simply choose a final quit date and hatch a plan for that date.  There is no reason to set it far in advance. I know from last time that that just makes it tougher.  So, I choose Friday. The 3rd of August 2018.  Its not a terribly special day, except that it is my target day.  Thursday or Wednesday would be cool too, but we’ll see how it goes.  On Friday, I shed this accursed habit.  I know I need help.  People help.  I’ll write next about my plan for people help.

Oh the blasted Holidays.  There’s something about the indulgence of the holiday season that make people want to cheat at their diets, make exceptions for extra drinking and changes the mindset to believing in the impermanence of actions taken.  The point being- I smoke cigarettes.  Well, parts of cigarettes.  A halfie here or there, New Years a whole cig, bumming a hit or two off the girlfriend.  The extra stress may actually be somewhat relieved by this smoking, but that doesn’t help the addiction that comes back with it.  I think it’s time for a new plan and for a new concerted effort to quit before I become a full-blown smoker again.

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m still hangin on there.  Not quite sure how, but I am.  I was so fierce and impassioned when I began this final attempt.  Nonetheless, the devil on my shoulder remains a nuisance.  I’ve got about 7 days left of 21mg patches.  The question I have for myself is do I stay on that strength as reduce as planned.  For this, I may call a quit coach.

Took a break.  Still haven’t smoked a cigarette in about 358 hours.  That’s it really?  Today was a victory.  Several times today and yesterday I was tempted and considered that one puff.  Today was especially rough.  Several times I started rationalizing why it might be alright.  Well, in response, here are some reasons why I shouldn’t take just one puff.

Money:  I’ve saved about $112.50 by not buying cigarettes.  Also, I now pay less for health insurance.

Health:  I can breathe better.  I hack up less stuff. Starting to hack up some dark shit that I know has been sitting in my lungs for the last couple of years.  I’ve been thinking of running.  i hate running 🙂  But it would certainly force that nastiness to the surface a lot faster.

Chloe:  I have been able to spend uninterrupted time with Chloe.  I took her to the library and didn’t need  to lure her outside or to suffer unduly the call of the nicotine.  I just stayed in the library with her for 2 and a half hours without plotting an exit strategy based off that habit.  Each day, each moment with her will be forever changed because there will never be a situation where a cigarette comes between us.

Whew…   It’s been a long week.  I still haven’t taken a drag of a cigarette. I gotta tell ya I’ve been awfully tempted.  I don’t really feel like writing.  I’m gonna work on design.

Thinking about smoking is when the urge comes in the strongest.  While working, sitting at my desk, I don’t feel that longing.  Yet I still need the breaks.  I just got done with one:  I dropped a Red-Bull into the fridge, took the slide downstairs, walked a lap around the office and logged back into my computer.  All that took four minutes.  So, I’m going to need something to actually do during these breaks that will help to set a rhythm for me.  Some people play ping-pong on their breaks, some play those stupid games that you download onto your phone.  I guess for now, I’ll post blog articles.

I keep telling myself no, but that doesn’t stop the craving or the desire.  I think that’s going to continue till I’m nicotine free.  21 days to break a habit.  That’s the part I’m striving to separate myself from right now.  I’m trying to create new habits.  Hopefully good ones.  At work, I’m finding I need a new break schedule, and something new to do with those breaks.  Breaks are essential for the job I do.  Today I took a whole bunch of 3 – 5 min breaks.  Just getting up and walking around.  When I’m into my work, I rarely think about smoking.   Maybe there isn’t time to think about that because my mind is actively engaged in problem solving.

In the tub this morning, I was thinking about the selfishness of smoking.  Not only are you polluting things and making things dirty, you are also demanding time and money for your own personal interests, which serve no other person any purpose.  Its the same thing with alcoholism, you are putting yourself before the needs or benefit of your family.  I can see putting yourself first if is going to result in personal growth because that will provide an added benefit to the family, but smoking is like war production in that it is a negative sum game.

Money Saved: $60

Health:  Coughing up junk.  Rough in the morning still

Chloe: Still loving me.  Hasn’t seen me smoke in the last few days.  Also, she is able to ride in my car now because it is no longer a giant ashtray.

I called this Zero Day because the goal was to smoke zero cigarettes on this day.  The day isn’t over, but I have not touched a cigarette to these lips all day.  It has been a struggle and a challenge, but I am victorious.  Oddly, even with the patch, I had to overcome the cravings.  Is the patch less nicotine than I was getting from the cigs?  Must be, cause the withdrawal and craving was not purely psychological.  When I feel the cravings my gums itch, my eyes gets watery, I clinch my jaw.

I think this may be the first full day in 2 decades that I haven’t smoked a single hit of a cigarette.  Tomorrow will be the first time I’ve ever gone two days in a row without smoking a cigarette.  I’m not counting eggs.  I simply must believe that tomorrow will get easier.  I must believe that today’s suffering will be remembered and that the next time I crave, I can look back to today and know that I can overcome.

I have tried to quit smoking more times that I can count.  They say the average person tried 8 or 12 times before they were successful at quitting.  I think I got that beat.  I am successful today.  I will never try to quit smoking again.  This has to be it.  The goal for tomorrow is the same as today, Zero.  When I think about how much I have suffered in this life as a result of cigarettes, I know I dare not risk the taste of one again.

I don’t regularly go to church.  I went to church today and the sermon had to do with the way people define themselves.  Today, I defined myself as a non-smoker.  Today I found my freedom.